Birthday Contemplation

Another birthday arrived yesterday: my fifth one as a widow. This one is reminding me that I have enjoyed many years of joys and blessings, as well as challenges and various seasons of sorrow. As the day came to a close, I felt drained, fatigued and somewhat empty.

While searching for something on my computer, I came across my journal entry that I wrote a week and a half after Buck was called “home”. Reliving my memories of Buck’s last day on earth was very emotional, but equally therapeutic, as once again I faced the reality of releasing my precious man into God’s open and welcoming arms and choosing not to deny the grief that still resides in my heart. Though painful, I know it is a necessary part of the restoration process, even after four plus years.

I woke to lots of commotion in my otherwise quiet neighborhood. There had been multiple explosions at the township municipal maintenance building just a quarter mile from my home. The building that housed all the maintenance equipment was a total loss as well as all their lawn equipment and the five large dump trucks used for snow removal were all incinerated.

The community is so thankful that no employees were in the building and no one was hurt in the shocking suddenness of the events of the day. Only a small dump truck, pick-up truck and two tractors that were in use by employees escaped the fire. Sadly, the personal vehicles of the four employees were also lost as they were parked next to the burning building. All that remains are the charred vehicles and machinery, and the sheet metal pieces that were once the roof and exterior walls of the original building.

After reading my journal entry, I reviewed the events of the day, and strangely saw the ruins as a symbol of how I felt that day: in shock, devastated and destroyed from the inside out, everything surreal with only a thin, vulnerable shell left behind. As all the wooden components of the building were consumed by the flames, only a mangled tangle of metal remained as the shell caved in on itself, leaving behind very little that was recognizable. Somewhat eerie was how the door was left in place, precarious and free standing, with nothing visible to support it.

In the days and months to come, the debris will be gathered and recycled. The remains will be removed, but the employees will be left numb and reeling as they face the reality of what happened yesterday and how it will affect their lives in the days ahead. They are thankful to be alive, but will be displaced until all the debris is dealt with. New plans will be drawn up, studied, reviewed, revamped and the rebuilding process will begin. They will be hopeful that this won’t take long, but knowing full well, it always takes longer than we ever dreamed it would. And all the while, they will wait in limbo, as they will slowly transition through the uncomfortable process of change.

Of course, there won’t be grief as in the loss of a loved one, but just the same, I can identify with the wreckage the fire left behind. For me, the free standing door symbolizes the Lørd holding me up: invisible, but supporting me all the while as I made the choice to pursue life, and all the forms of joy that it still has to offer. I miss Buck and life as we knew it, but I know in my heart that though my life continues to change, the new landscape will be good and beautiful.

I can’t help but wonder what the Lord’s blueprint for my life will look like this coming year, and how it might be different on my next birthday. I am hopeful that it won’t include the emptiness I felt last night as my birthday came to an end. This journey continues to have its ups and downs just like we all experience, but I’m thankful for the numerous joy-filled days that are mine to enjoy along the way.

Belly Laugh

Considering all the sorrow that comes with widowhood, and all the hard and painful things we all deal with throughout our lives, it’s needful and healthy to have a good “belly laugh” on occasion. I love it when the Lord gives me a story to tell, and yesterday He gave me one that made me laugh out loud. I still giggle every time I reflect on what happened last night. I hope it will inspire at least a smile for you today.

Last night, I was on my way to Havre de Grace, Md, approximately an hour and fifteen minutes from my home. As I drove out of my neighborhood, I reached into my purse to locate my sunglasses. While giving my full attention to my driving, I popped them onto my face and was on my way.

I was traveling to attend a surprise birthday party for my sister, Colleen. I was a bit anxious that the drive would take longer than anticipated. I hadn’t allowed any margins to deal with the Honeypot truck I was forced to follow at an even slower pace than the already slow speed limit. One of these days, I will learn to leave early. You would think by now I would have learned that lesson, especially since I often encounter Amish buggies on a regular basis.

My anxiety grew when I arrived in Havre de Grace, and I noticed that the town was overflowing with people. The town was celebrating their “First Friday”, when the first Friday of every month, they close off a main street like a block party, with lots of activities throughout the whole area. Parking is always an issue there on any given day. Now an already challenging situation was going to be a lot more complicated. I drove to the restaurant where the party was to be held and of course there wasn’t any spots available in their parking lot. Silly me and my wishful thinking!

I started circling the area to see what I could find. I really didn’t mind having to walk two and a half blocks. I was just afraid I would be late and spoil the surprise. I finally found a parking lot where kayakers launch their boats and park their vehicles and trailers while they enjoy the Susquehanna River. I parked in front of a construction fence, because there were no marked spots available. I didn’t see any no parking signs, so I thought it might be okay to park my car there.

Just as I was leaving my car, I saw a young man carrying his kayak across the parking lot. I asked him his opinion about  parking there, just to be sure. He agreed that it should be fine. I thanked him and got back in my car to grab my purse. As I did so, I took a quick glance into my rear view mirror, and I was stunned by what I saw! It was one of those “OH MY GOODNESS” moments that kinda stops your world for a brief instant, and I had to laugh out loud as I stared at my reflection. Part of me wanted to vanish into thin air, but another part of me wanted to run after the young man I had just spoken to, to let him know I wasn’t a lunatic! REALLY!

So this is what I saw! I don't understand how in the world I didn't notice the missing lens on that long drive, but here's proof, not to mention finding the absent lens in the bottom of my purse.

I asked my son-in-law, Bob, to take a picture at the party, so I could always have this funny memory.

Laughter is good for us, and I love any occasion to do so! I shared my story at Colleen’s party and everyone had a good laugh on me. It was great fun to show them what I saw in the mirror. I hope my silly story brightened your day and maybe even inspired a good “belly laugh” for you too! And I wish all of you a wonderful summer full of joy, laughter and memory making!

Proverbs 17:22

A cheerful heart is good medicine...

Four Years Today

It was a beautiful sunshiny day, just like today, on that fateful day four years ago. The day that claimed the life of my husband and changed forever the lives of all who loved this man known as Buck. The void is still glaring but I can say the emotions are not so raw and painful as they were in earlier years. I am thankful to be at this juncture of my journey. Still missing my sweetheart as always, but coping better and moving forward as best I can with God's help and the continued love and support of family and friends. I feel sad today as I expected that I would, but not overwhelmingly so, like other significant  days. It is getting easier to let go of the painful memories of that day and choose to celebrate what transpired that evening as Buck was welcomed as he crossed the threshold into his glorious new life in heaven!

A few weeks ago, I had the awesome joy and privilege to attend the baptism of my daughter, Sarah, and son-in-law, Bob! That day was significantly more emotional than today and made me miss my sweetheart in a powerful way. To see and experience the fruit of the many prayers Buck and I had prayed for our children, made for a day filled with emotional extremes: tearfully missing my man and a heart bursting with joyful elation all at the same time! It was a memory packed day I will hold in my heart forever! I like to think Sarah's papa was celebrating along with us in heaven.

As I take a glance backward over the past four years, I can't believe it has been that long already. I feel sad that I don't have much to show for that large chunk of time, but I am encouraged that I am moving in the right direction: no longer paralyzed by grief. Finally, I'm making progress in tending to some homeowner maintenance issues around my home and slowly enjoying some long-awaited final touches. It is so delightful to have knobs and pulls on all my kitchen and bath cabinetry after all this time! Slowly, but surely, I am moving toward the order my heart craves and taking baby steps to make my house more homey.

Now that it is spring, my thoughts turn to gardens and how to protect them from the ever-encroaching herds of groundhogs. I flip-flop between furious frustration and dogged determination. Only time will tell if my efforts are fruitful or futile. Between the groundhog, deer and stinkbug populations, I have to be more creative than ever before. I have an idea I want to try in my little homestead wildlife war zone. I hope I'm not being sadistic to pursue my dream to raise my own vegetables in such an unfriendly environment. Selfishly, I am not inclined to share my food with the local critters. I am hopeful that I can post pictures depicting the rewards of my efforts throughout the growing season. God did make us master over all the animals after all. If my sweetheart was still here, I wouldn't have to face this daily competition. He would have taken great delight in "managing" the moochers. I will have to settle for a more creative form of survival. I'm sure YoutTube will provide some inspiration. I like to think that Buck would be proud of his Girfren for giving it my best shot (no pun intended)!