Sunday, April 21, 2013

Four Years Today

It was a beautiful sunshiny day, just like today, on that fateful day four years ago. The day that claimed the life of my husband and changed forever the lives of all who loved this man known as Buck. The void is still glaring but I can say the emotions are not so raw and painful as they were in earlier years. I am thankful to be at this juncture of my journey. Still missing my sweetheart as always, but coping better and moving forward as best I can with God's help and the continued love and support of family and friends. I feel sad today as I expected that I would, but not overwhelmingly so, like other significant  days. It is getting easier to let go of the painful memories of that day and choose to celebrate what transpired that evening as Buck was welcomed as he crossed the threshold into his glorious new life in heaven!

A few weeks ago, I had the awesome joy and privilege to attend the baptism of my daughter, Sarah, and son-in-law, Bob! That day was significantly more emotional than today and made me miss my sweetheart in a powerful way. To see and experience the fruit of the many prayers Buck and I had prayed for our children, made for a day filled with emotional extremes: tearfully missing my man and a heart bursting with joyful elation all at the same time! It was a memory packed day I will hold in my heart forever! I like to think Sarah's papa was celebrating along with us in heaven.

As I take a glance backward over the past four years, I can't believe it has been that long already. I feel sad that I don't have much to show for that large chunk of time, but I am encouraged that I am moving in the right direction: no longer paralyzed by grief. Finally, I'm making progress in tending to some homeowner maintenance issues around my home and slowly enjoying some long-awaited final touches. It is so delightful to have knobs and pulls on all my kitchen and bath cabinetry after all this time! Slowly, but surely, I am moving toward the order my heart craves and taking baby steps to make my house more homey.

Now that it is spring, my thoughts turn to gardens and how to protect them from the ever-encroaching herds of groundhogs. I flip-flop between furious frustration and dogged determination. Only time will tell if my efforts are fruitful or futile. Between the groundhog, deer and stinkbug populations, I have to be more creative than ever before. I have an idea I want to try in my little homestead wildlife war zone. I hope I'm not being sadistic to pursue my dream to raise my own vegetables in such an unfriendly environment. Selfishly, I am not inclined to share my food with the local critters. I am hopeful that I can post pictures depicting the rewards of my efforts throughout the growing season. God did make us master over all the animals after all. If my sweetheart was still here, I wouldn't have to face this daily competition. He would have taken great delight in "managing" the moochers. I will have to settle for a more creative form of survival. I'm sure YoutTube will provide some inspiration. I like to think that Buck would be proud of his Girfren for giving it my best shot (no pun intended)!