Saturday, December 11, 2010

Breaking Tradition

The past few months have been extra emotional for me, much to my dismay! I hate the out of control feeling, that comes along with the vulnerability; but, it's part of the journey and I move along as best I can, with the Lord's help every day.

Thanksgiving Day was quiet and uneventful, just as I needed it to be. Sporting a nasty cold, I decided to stay home, so as not to take a chance on contaminating my family members. I considered having a candlelight dinner with the Lord, as I did last year, but I couldn't find the matches and didn't have the will or energy to go on a search. 

Getting into the Christmas spirit has been more of a struggle this year; to the point that I'm pretty certain I will not be putting up a tree. Frankly, I think the only reason I did so last year was purely not to break tradition. Maybe it's laziness or sadness, or a little of both, but it just doesn't feel worth the effort this time around. I have decided to give myself permission to break tradition this year, as I really don't foresee that it will make me feel any better to go through the motions.  I believe it might even be easier, not to have to deal with all the emotions that are wrapped up in each special, memory-evoking ornament that we chose for each other over the years.

I'm willing to bet that I can survive a treeless Christmas, even though it will be the very first of my lifetime! I'm sure I will do some decorating, but it will be very minimal. (Lord willing) there will be other opportunities in the years ahead to create a festive environment. I'm really just not feeling it this year. None-the-less, I'm thankful to be able to say, that I really don't think it is depression, like I experienced the first year, but rather a normal, prevailing sadness as I miss sharing my life with my best friend!

I am keeping myself busy with my writing and some other creative opportunities. I am very thankful for the healing they are providing and for the inspiration I am enjoying through the writers and artists groups at my new church. My participation in the ladies Bible study group has also been a tremendous blessing to me as my nine new girlfriends and I study the book of Esther. The Lord knew just what I needed as He placed me with these precious ladies, who desire to grow spiritually and support each other as we share our lives each week. We also love to laugh! What a blessing they are to me!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Not So Jolly Distraction

Distraction has played a very important role in helping me deal with my grief over the past year and a half. I'm all about a good diversion, to help take my mind off of the painful reality that my sweetheart no longer shares my life. They are usually pleasant and often include my grandchildren, who are my best distractors with their humorous antics! However, this week brought a new variety of distraction.
Nothing like a surprise stomach virus to make a person forget about their broken heart! The sneaky, surprise-attacker arrived quietly, and suddenly pounced on me, like an ugly, uninvited stinkbug in the 0-dark:00 hours of the morning. My stuffed bear that had provided so much comfort in my early grief-stricken days was once again my companion as we rocked back and forth during the cramping, and my hot-water bottle was my new best friend! I was also so thankful for my comfy sweat pants that permitted me to carry around the warm, red, rubber bladder like a Hollywood baby bump! My natural childbirth, breathing techniques came in handy, as they automatically kicked in, to help me get through the waves of cramps that came every three to five minutes. The classic symptoms seemed like they would never end and it truly felt like the longest day and night of my life! Good times!

Whew!!! So thankful that that episode is behind me, as I have to confess, I was concerned that maybe it was something more serious than a 24 hour bug! I am surprised that it has taken all week to bounce back, but now I am looking forward to a brighter season. Looking back on last week and appreciating how blessed I am to have good health; I guess you could say, I had an attitude adjustment! Hopefully, my Christmas will include time to spend with my family and friends in the weeks ahead. Unlike my earlier sarcasm, I know there are "Good Times" to be had with the people I love, as we go through the holidays. Although it will be celebrated differently for me this year, I see it as a time to share and enjoy, not just something to endure! Thankfully, my life is full of pleasant distractions, no matter the time of year, and we will be blessed as we make more memories to cherish in the future!