I still don't understand why the calendar has such an impact, but there is no denying the intensity that comes with the significant days! This fact rang true once again, as the calendar was a witness to the wrapping up of another year (without the love of my life) and the beginning a new one.
I have reflected on my commitment, to focus on the present instead of the past. I felt very strongly that the Lord was encouraging me to do just that, in January, as we slipped into the new year. For the most part, I think that has been the case, but the memories are so bitter-sweet when they arrive. Thankfully, the teary emotions are not so devastating as before and I seem to recover much quicker now.
However, that April 21st anniversary also marked the beginning of some new goals and they have set into motion a very painful season, as I have purposed to start making decisions about Buck's belongings. Facing this has inspired new triggers and memories and has been literally exhausting!
I found that it was true (for me personally, anyway) that the second year was indeed harder than the first. But, this gives me hope that perhaps the year ahead won't be as painful, since I have faced many "firsts and triggers" along the way. Just the same, I fully expect this season to be emotion packed as I go through Buck's personal things.
I started by removing Buck's clothing from his dresser and closet. I was limp at that point, and to be honest, just moving his belongings from one location to another, but, I did accomplish my goal and for that I was thankful! Then, I went through Buck's grooming tools a few days later, and decided that I had to take a break from the intensity of pursuing my goals. I still can't bear the thought of removing his hair from his hair brush, or disposing of his brush! I just can't do it! Someone else will have to deal with it someday, when they are going through this process with my belongings. I needed time to regroup, so, I dove into some long-neglected yard work. That proved to be very refreshing and was just what I needed to face the next phase of reorganizing my home.
Now, I realize the importance of pacing myself and doing some rewarding tasks along the way! I'm thankful that there is no time-line for this project and I know this will probably take a long time. I'm okay with that, and I understand that there is no right or wrong way to go about this, but, I know I will feel better when this part of my grief journey is behind me. I'm glad that I can say, I'm already seeing progress as I'm taking multiple baby steps toward my goals. God has been so faithful to continually show me how to do this: one step (even if it's a tiny one), one day at a time!
Ecclesiastes 3 (The Message ~ Paraphrased Version of the Bible)
There's a Right Time for Everything1 There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
6 ... A right time to hold on and another to let go...
It's the right time to start letting go.
A little of my Haiku poetry to sum it up:
Cherishing the past
Holding on and letting go
God is helping me