Saturday, December 11, 2010

Breaking Tradition

The past few months have been extra emotional for me, much to my dismay! I hate the out of control feeling, that comes along with the vulnerability; but, it's part of the journey and I move along as best I can, with the Lord's help every day.

Thanksgiving Day was quiet and uneventful, just as I needed it to be. Sporting a nasty cold, I decided to stay home, so as not to take a chance on contaminating my family members. I considered having a candlelight dinner with the Lord, as I did last year, but I couldn't find the matches and didn't have the will or energy to go on a search. 

Getting into the Christmas spirit has been more of a struggle this year; to the point that I'm pretty certain I will not be putting up a tree. Frankly, I think the only reason I did so last year was purely not to break tradition. Maybe it's laziness or sadness, or a little of both, but it just doesn't feel worth the effort this time around. I have decided to give myself permission to break tradition this year, as I really don't foresee that it will make me feel any better to go through the motions.  I believe it might even be easier, not to have to deal with all the emotions that are wrapped up in each special, memory-evoking ornament that we chose for each other over the years.

I'm willing to bet that I can survive a treeless Christmas, even though it will be the very first of my lifetime! I'm sure I will do some decorating, but it will be very minimal. (Lord willing) there will be other opportunities in the years ahead to create a festive environment. I'm really just not feeling it this year. None-the-less, I'm thankful to be able to say, that I really don't think it is depression, like I experienced the first year, but rather a normal, prevailing sadness as I miss sharing my life with my best friend!

I am keeping myself busy with my writing and some other creative opportunities. I am very thankful for the healing they are providing and for the inspiration I am enjoying through the writers and artists groups at my new church. My participation in the ladies Bible study group has also been a tremendous blessing to me as my nine new girlfriends and I study the book of Esther. The Lord knew just what I needed as He placed me with these precious ladies, who desire to grow spiritually and support each other as we share our lives each week. We also love to laugh! What a blessing they are to me!


  1. Renee, oddly, I really feel this. A tree is not what connects us to Jesus' birth, anymore than a piece of wood would connect us to His cross.
    You will move through this time within His Spirit. That is a gift. Look for those little gifts every where. He will leave them for you and make you feel that though your best friend is not there, your dearest friend is. It is okay to abandon the need for a tree. The heart is our gauge, not the cedar....And God Bless your beautiful Bible Study friends!!!

  2. Thanks for your comments as always. Right now I'm fighting the stomach bug that you talked about in your last letter, so am going back to bed. I will have to tell you about my tree thoughts later.