Sunday, May 22, 2011

A Time To Hold On And A Time To Let Go

As the long-awaited spring approached, I sensed a new heaviness in my heart. I was and continue to be very sensitive emotionally, especially since April 21st came and went. That was the day that marked the second anniversary of my sweetheart's being called to his eternal home.

I still don't understand why the calendar has such an impact, but there is no denying the intensity that comes with the significant days! This fact rang true once again, as the calendar was a witness to the wrapping up of another year (without the love of my life) and the beginning a new one.

I have reflected on my commitment, to focus on the present instead of the past. I felt very strongly that  the Lord was encouraging me to do just that, in January, as we slipped into the new year. For the most part, I think that has been the case, but the memories are so bitter-sweet when they arrive. Thankfully, the teary emotions are not so devastating as before and I seem to recover much quicker now.

However, that April 21st anniversary also marked the beginning of some new goals and they have set into motion a very painful season, as I have purposed to start making decisions about Buck's belongings. Facing this has inspired new triggers and memories and has been literally exhausting! 

I found that it was true (for me personally, anyway) that the second year was indeed harder than the first. But, this gives me hope that perhaps the year ahead won't be as painful, since I have faced many "firsts and triggers" along the way. Just the same, I fully expect this season to be emotion packed as I go through Buck's personal things.

I started by removing Buck's clothing from his dresser and closet. I was limp at that point, and to be honest, just moving his belongings from one location to another, but, I did accomplish my goal and for that I was thankful! Then, I went through Buck's grooming tools a few days later, and decided that I had to take a break from the intensity of pursuing my goals. I still can't bear the thought of removing his hair from his hair brush, or disposing of his brush! I just can't do it! Someone else will have to deal with it someday, when they are going through this process with my belongings. I needed time to regroup, so, I dove into some long-neglected yard work. That proved to be very refreshing and was just what I needed to face the next phase of reorganizing my home.

Now, I realize the importance of pacing myself and doing some rewarding tasks along the way! I'm thankful that there is no time-line for this project and I know this will probably take a long time. I'm okay with that, and I understand that there is no right or wrong way to go about this, but, I know I will feel better when this part of my grief journey is behind me. I'm glad that I can say, I'm already seeing progress as I'm taking multiple baby steps toward my goals. God has been so faithful to continually show me how to do this: one step (even if it's a tiny one), one day at a time!

Ecclesiastes 3 (The Message ~ Paraphrased Version of the Bible)

There's a Right Time for Everything

 1 There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
 6  ... A right time to hold on and another to let go...

It's the right time to start letting go.

A little of my Haiku poetry to sum it up:

Cherishing the past
Holding on and letting go
God is helping me


  1. Prayers going up for you, Renee', as you go through the task of handling your hubby's belongings. Thank you, as always, for sharing your life with us. Love you. Tess :)

  2. Thanks for your love and prayers, Tess! It means so much! I can't imagine going through this journey without the love and support of my friends and family!

  3. Renee, I am so proud of you, and of course so overwhelmed with gratefulness to the Lord as I watch Him take you through this journey.
    What a process, and what a privilege to share this with you. I know this is a special gift of grace to those who are grieving. The God of all comfort gives us the blessing of blessing others as we walk through our sorrows. And so you do Renee, you always bless those around you everytime you share the next piece of the journey. Love and peace to you my friend, Tonya.

  4. Thank you so much my friend! The thought that the Lord would use my journey to bless and encourage someone else is humbling and exhilarating at the same time! We know He wastes nothing and I like to think that He is multiplying His blessings, as I have the privilege to share my story. His love is amazing and I just want to share it with all who will listen! It is a great gift to me, when people take time out of their busy lives to read what the Lord inspires. Thank you for stopping by and for your words that always lift and comfort me! You are a blessing!

  5. Hey, Renee...been trying to reply all evening. I fixed it, but I am not sure how!!! O_O
    Blessings friend, and know that you DO touch lives sharing the things that you do. I think that when you really know that deep in your spirit, it will help the healing process all the more. Love, T

  6. I am so sorry for your pain. Just know that as I read this, I was lifting you up in prayer. I do believe your woundedness will be healed one day. It does take time. Loss is never easy. Be gentle with yourself. Take care.

  7. Menancy, thank you for your kindness and for your prayers. This journey is so up and down. I have been working hard on my yard and mixing in bits of organizing here and there. The hard work is therapeutic, healing and rewarding. So thankful that summer is here! Thanks for stopping by!