Friday, September 2, 2011

Hey Honey, I'm Home!

A favorite photo of Buck and I

As the first day of September came to a close, I felt compelled to put my thoughts into words; as keeping a journal of my journey of grief continues to be cleansing and therapeutic for me. September 1st is a significant day because it is/was my sweetheart’s birthday. Those days don’t pass by without deep emotion. I anticipated that yesterday would be difficult, and I was right!

It was a beautiful day here in Pennsylvania when I woke, but clouds started to gather as the afternoon approached. I had decided a few days ago, to do something to commemorate the day of my husbands birth. For some time now, I have had it in mind to start walking again. Buck’s birthday just seemed a fitting day to make a commitment to take better care of myself. I’m sure my plan would please Buck, because we had planned to utilize the nearby walking trail as soon as we got settled in our new home.  

I was glad I brought my umbrella; determined that I was going to get an hour’s worth of walking in, rain or shine. It was a pleasant light shower and I prayed on and off as I walked. A flood of memories interrupted and I welcomed the distraction with free-flowing tears as I reminisced about the times Buck and I walked hand in hand, side by side. I have come to accept tears as my friend and a necessary component of the healing process.

On occasion, I have asked God to deliver messages to Buck for me. As I walked, the thought came to me to have a conversation with the birthday boy. I had never done that before and I was comforted by the experience. I was surprised by how quickly the time went! An hour felt like fifteen minutes! I can’t say that I sensed his presence in any way, but I enjoyed the one-sided chat just the same, confident that my words would be shared with him! While I walked, I couldn't help but notice the intoxicating fragrance from the new rain! I think I mentioned it in my chat with Buck.

Yesterday, I was thinking about some of the things I miss about my man. I could go on and on about that subject, but what came to mind on Buck’s birthday was his husky voice as he came in from his workday and cheerfully announced, “Hey Honey, I’m hoo-ome! I can hear the echo of his voice in my heart! And the tears come again as I visualize his warm smile, twinkling eyes, and best of all: his unforgettable hugs that made everything right in my world!

As the memory of Buck’s voice made my heart pound; the realization dawned on me again that his words are truer now, than ever before! Buck is indeed HOME; where he often spoke of going to claim his mansion someday! He looked forward to that day with great anticipation, even when we were in the emergency room the night of his heart attack! In the big picture of his life, he was heaven bound and he couldn’t wait to meet Jesus, face to face! If God was calling him, he was ready to go HOME!

Happy Birthday Bofren!
So, my precious husband - yesterday, on your birthday, I put a large candle in a brownie and sang Happy Birthday to you. I thanked God again for the precious gift I had in you and for all the wondrous memories I have to cherish! I enjoyed the brownie. Well, okay, so I had two! One for each of us. We’ll just have to walk and talk longer today! Happy Birthday, Bofren! Your Girfren will always love you and is missing you everyday, but I’m moving ahead one day at a time with the Lord’s help and the support of all our loved ones! I like to think you are proud of me as I search for joy in the gift of each new day and journey on with the Lord by my side. 


  1. This was beautiful Renee. Thank you once again for sharing such an intimate piece of your heart, mind and soul! Love you....and Happy Birthday Buck!

  2. Thank you Tonya! You bless me once again!

  3. Renee, What a delight to know the true meaning now of Buck's "Honey, I'm HOME!" God bless you as you journey through this valley. (And I like the brownies-for-two!)

  4. Thank you so much for stopping by, Ferree! I am believing that our "meeting" here on the web was a God thing and I'm blessed to have you journey with me! Thank you and God bless you!