Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Anniversary Melancholy

Sunset glow at Muddy Run Recreation Park

Autumn beauty At Muddy Run
Today would have been our fourteenth wedding anniversary. I was hopeful that maybe it would be easier this year, but last week was emotion-filled and made it pretty clear that this third time of facing this date on the calendar was not going to be any less painful. Autumn has always been challenging  for me because it is that time of transition, forcing me to say goodbye to my best-loved season of summer and facing the reality of another approaching winter, my least favorite season of the year.

So many memories come to mind in October. I have been seeing deer pretty regularly lately, since the cornfields have been cut by the monster combines, exposing all their secret hiding places. I am always thrilled to see them, but they always make me think of Buck, my late husband, who was an avid hunter and gifted marksman, both with bow and gun alike, although he much preferred the challenge of bow hunting.

I had a writing assignment to complete this week for my writer’s group at my church. We were encouraged to write about autumn, bringing in all our senses to paint a picture with words. I was not prepared for the difficulty this little project would present. I decided to visit Muddy Run Recreation Park, a picturesque area surrounding a man-made reservoir. I thought the beautiful outdoor environment would inspire me, but the setting was not at all conducive to creativity, and instead hit me with a crushing wave of grief! 

I suppose I should have known better, since it was our favorite local place to hike during all the seasons and we had spent so many fun-filled hours there through the years. I thought I had dealt with the memories during prior visits over the past two years, but visiting in the fall and expecting to compose my thoughts in a creative way, while surrounded by so many happy memories was just too much for me. It made me wonder if I will ever again, be able to enjoy the places that we once shared and enjoyed together. I look forward to the day when the memories will bring smiles instead of tears! I trust it will happen as my heart heals. In the meantime I hold on to God’s promises during the ups and downs. I continue to understand that the journey of grief will always be unpredictable but doable as we trust the Lord to accompany us whether we are in the valley or on the mountaintop. He is Faithful every step of the way!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


  1. I can't believe it's already been three years. But your story and your heart still resonate. thanks.

  2. It has really only been two and a half years since Buck went home, but this is the third anniversary without him. Thanks for stopping by, Irm, and for your sweet words!

  3. Hello Renee,
    This is Tonya and I am trying this comment under anonymous. Love you sweet friend, and my heart is so sad for your grief. I pray so that God will heal this pain in your heart. Not that you would ever stop remembering or holding him dearly, but just that you could look at all of your favorite places that you both shared with a sweet peace and a true resting in your spirit. Oh may He bless you richly, Tonya.

  4. Hello dear friend! Thank you for your sweet meaningful prayer for me. I trust the day will come when I will be able to enjoy the settings of my treasured memories. Sometimes, the pain of missing my sweetheart is more intense than others and these much-loved places inspire a deep yearning and another realization of my man's absence. Thank you for caring! It means more than you can understand! Much love to you, Renee'