Although it is very different now, the struggle goes on. For some reason, I seem to be extra sensitive to the triggers that affect me emotionally. I suppose I thought that I would be doing so much better by now, but the truth is, now the pain appears in many daily snippets instead of the gigantic waves that used to flood over me. I'm so thankful that that season is behind me.
One of my dilemmas is wanting to journal about what is happening in my world and also wanting to encourage at the same time. I fear that anyone reading here will tire of hearing about how sad and broken I am. Really...who needs that! Sometimes I feel like I am not a good witness to the power of God's love, because I can't always report that my Joy has been restored, however momentary. But this is my life...this is where I am right now, and for who knows how long. I want to lift up, not depress, but that isn't easy when you are in the valleys of life. Even so, I feel the need to express myself and see where my thoughts will take me. Thank you for hanging in there with me in the ups and downs of my journey.
I've never been much of a make-up person; a sweep of blush on the cheeks and a little color on the lips (to make me look like I had some), was the extent of my daily routine. But as I get older and my hair becomes lighter and more silver, (that sounds more elegant than gray), I realize I need some tricks to look alive and look my best, especially now. You know you need help, when your seven year old granddaughter says, "Nana have you been sleeping okay? You have really dark circles under your eyes!" I knew they were there, but was not aware that they were quite so obvious. So, I was open when my daughter, Sarah, suggested we go to the mall and let the pros make some suggestions.
One of the products they recommended was something that would minimize the under eye darkness and brighten my eyes. They call it "Well Rested"! Now I have a way to hide this glaring flaw, without calling greater attention to it, as has been the case with other products I've tried. Adding "Well Rested" and waterproof mascara has gone a long way to making me feel better about my appearance. We all know that if we look better, we feel better.
Over the past year and a half since Buck went home, I have experienced many different levels of grief. According to the dictionary, grieve is a stronger verb than mourn. Grieve implies deep mental anguish or suffering, often endured alone and in silence; as contrasting with, to mourn, which implies deep emotion felt over a period of time. That may just sound like silly semantics, but strangely, it comforts me somehow, to think that I have reached a lesser level of intensity. Although I'm still in a very painful and vulnerable state, it is greatly encouraging to know I am getting better and stronger as time goes on. I am very thankful for God's grace to have reached this plateau. However, I must admit that I am often uncomfortable with knowing that my tears may spill at any given moment and I am powerless to control them. If only my "Well Rested" was waterproof like my mascara! What a blessing that would be!