I haven't felt it for some time now, but it hit me pretty hard tonight as I visited a new favorite blog. Her subject was about improving your marriage and falling in love all over again. I'm not even sure why I read it, but my emotional reaction was totally unexpected and came in like a wave, leaving me salty, tear-stained, and downright exhausted!
It's been brewing for a good while, beginning with the arrival of autumn and I have coined my intermittent teary trickles as being leaky. I have been leaking emotionally for many months. This, in contrast to the early tsunami waves of grief; I felt I had come so far, and I really have as I look back. But, just like when the mammoth breakers would surge leaving me defenseless to try to stop the outcome; I have been just as powerless to try to control the leaking. I have decided that leaking is healthy and necessary, just letting the steam of grief to escape little by little, so to speak. I suppose that is why tonight's reaction was so unexpected. Evidently, I have more work to do in acknowledging the reality of the loss of my sweetheart and all that he was to me.
It happens every time I see lovers: couples walking and talking, hand in hand. Interesting to me though, is the fact that seeing young couples isn't so hard to witness, or even middle-aged couples like Buck and I were. Ironically, the most devastating for me are the senior couples, who are nearing the end of their lives and are obviously still so in love with there mates. Today, I saw a couple in Walmart's parking lot. I melted as I watched the elderly gentleman slowly shuffle to his wife's side and take her handbag for her and I observed through teary eyes as they slowly made their way, holding hands and each supporting themselves with canes in their other hands.
On another occasion when I went for a walk in the fall, I came upon an elderly couple sitting on one of the benches alongside the walking path. As I approached, I didn't notice at first, but on my second loop, the couple were making their way back to their car and I saw it. I saw the tenderness and love in his eyes as they slowly meandered and I saw the vacant, empty stare in the windows of her soul. Witnessing that kind of love and commitment lifts and breaks my heart simultaneously. I had to look away and the tears rinsed my face again. I'm certain that seeing these precious couples has such a strong reaction, because, along with the other many losses, it makes me face the fact that Buck and I will not have the privilege of growing old together. Those reminders are especially painful.
It was a blog photo of the writer's hand holding her husband's, that started this painful outpouring of grief and sadness tonight. Her husband's hand reminded me of Buck's large, thick, strong hands, and it was my undoing. There are so many things that I miss about my man, but tonight, I miss his hands engulfing mine. I miss his love and tenderness and the way he made everything right in my world with his warmhearted touch.
Thank You, Lord, for the gift of tears, for I know that with each one, I grow closer to healing and wholeness. I am thankful that it is so much easier than the earlier days. You are restoring me every day! Though I am "leaky", I can be content in knowing that I am in Your Hands tonight and always! I will be diligent to search for joy again tomorrow.