It was a beautiful sunshiny day, just like today, on that fateful day four years ago. The day that claimed the life of my husband and changed forever the lives of all who loved this man known as Buck. The void is still glaring but I can say the emotions are not so raw and painful as they were in earlier years. I am thankful to be at this juncture of my journey. Still missing my sweetheart as always, but coping better and moving forward as best I can with God's help and the continued love and support of family and friends. I feel sad today as I expected that I would, but not overwhelmingly so, like other significant days. It is getting easier to let go of the painful memories of that day and choose to celebrate what transpired that evening as Buck was welcomed as he crossed the threshold into his glorious new life in heaven!
A few weeks ago, I had the awesome joy and privilege to attend the baptism of my daughter, Sarah, and son-in-law, Bob! That day was significantly more emotional than today and made me miss my sweetheart in a powerful way. To see and experience the fruit of the many prayers Buck and I had prayed for our children, made for a day filled with emotional extremes: tearfully missing my man and a heart bursting with joyful elation all at the same time! It was a memory packed day I will hold in my heart forever! I like to think Sarah's papa was celebrating along with us in heaven.
As I take a glance backward over the past four years, I can't believe it has been that long already. I feel sad that I don't have much to show for that large chunk of time, but I am encouraged that I am moving in the right direction: no longer paralyzed by grief. Finally, I'm making progress in tending to some homeowner maintenance issues around my home and slowly enjoying some long-awaited final touches. It is so delightful to have knobs and pulls on all my kitchen and bath cabinetry after all this time! Slowly, but surely, I am moving toward the order my heart craves and taking baby steps to make my house more homey.
Now that it is spring, my thoughts turn to gardens and how to protect them from the ever-encroaching herds of groundhogs. I flip-flop between furious frustration and dogged determination. Only time will tell if my efforts are fruitful or futile. Between the groundhog, deer and stinkbug populations, I have to be more creative than ever before. I have an idea I want to try in my little homestead wildlife war zone. I hope I'm not being sadistic to pursue my dream to raise my own vegetables in such an unfriendly environment. Selfishly, I am not inclined to share my food with the local critters. I am hopeful that I can post pictures depicting the rewards of my efforts throughout the growing season. God did make us master over all the animals after all. If my sweetheart was still here, I wouldn't have to face this daily competition. He would have taken great delight in "managing" the moochers. I will have to settle for a more creative form of survival. I'm sure YoutTube will provide some inspiration. I like to think that Buck would be proud of his Girfren for giving it my best shot (no pun intended)!
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Sunday, April 21, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Letting Go Of My Valentine
It starts right after Christmas. The New Year hasn't even dawned before anticipation of February's big day splashes red everywhere you turn. For six weeks we are bombarded with hearts, balloons, flowers, candy and greeting cards, and you can't get away, not even in the grocery stores. I don't mean to sound bitter; I'm not. It's just a painful time for many single people. But then again, it's probably hard for lots of married folks too, who live with their own variety of heartache.
I am happy for those who have a sweetheart in their lives. Buck always went out of his way to make the day special for us and it was a joy-filled time to celebrate our love. But now, Valentine's season, like most holidays, is just another in your face reminder of what's missing. There are times throughout the year that I'm more sensitive. As Valentine's Day approaches, Buck's absence is more glaring than ever. It just makes me miss him more than I already do on any other given day. It's just a fact.
I was pleasantly surprised by how pleasurable my day was yesterday, considering the roller-coaster of emotions that came with this past week. Nearly four years of procrastination hasn't made the task I faced any easier. Closure is painful no matter what! But it also brings a measure of blessings with it. I'm still trying to process that part.
Last week, one of the gals in my Bible study made an announcement that she and her husband would be collecting clothing, furniture and household products for the many people who were displaced due to a fire caused by arson at The Roadway Inn in York City last week. The Inn was home for many of them, not just overnight accommodations. My friend mentioned that one gentleman only had the clothes on his back. He would be wearing his one pair of jeans to work everyday. She said he only requested a couple pairs of jeans and a sweater, when asked what he needed. When she mentioned his waist and inseam measurement, I knew I had to take action. His jeans size was the same as Buck's. It was gratifying to know that Buck's wardrobe would be filling such an urgent need, but the necessity didn't damper the effect on my heart. I was a mess all week as I laundered, folded and packaged Buck's clothes in preparation for sharing them.
The hardest part was finding a long sleeved shirt I had gotten for him; it was on a hanger and the sleeves were still rolled up just a bit the way he often wore them. That discovery hit me really hard, but not like the impact of finding his Carhart vest and winter jacket with a note in the pocket in his handwriting. I hugged them like a teddy bear (like he was) and wept bitterly from the basement to the laundry room. The vest and jacket were the most difficult to let go. I could see him in my mind: hands in pockets, boyish grim and sparkling eyes. I am thankful for the days when those memories make me smile, but that was not the case this week. There are still more clothes to deal with, but those will have to wait. I could only take so much.
I filled the back seat of my car and gave away most of Buck's wardrobe on Wednesday. I broke down again at my Bible study and my friends in my group surrounded me with love, compassion and prayer. I came away feeling drained but better. Now that I have started dealing with this painful task, I will finish up next week, as I have finally decided what to do with the rest. I like to think the remainder will be easier. But I have been wrong before about thinking the worst is over. I am optimistic this time.
So my Valentine's Day turned out to be a good day, after a hard week. I did spend some time hugging my teddy bear in the morning. It just felt good to squeeze that stout bear named Critter. I spent time soaking in the brightness of my "Happy Light" while I enjoyed my devotional time. I made myself a nice breakfast like I would have prepared for Buck, and gave myself a pedicure and practiced using some new makeup. I enjoyed the snowy view from my dining room and I took a long walk in the cold sunshine. I made a special dinner (and ate it by candlelight) and a cheesecake pie for dessert.
I sensed the Lord's presence throughout the day. It was as if He was giving me permission to do whatever would make me smile. So I enjoyed a self pampering day without guilt. As I asked God to bless my meal, I thought about and prayed for some precious people in my life, who were facing their first Valentine's Day without their loved ones and the rest who struggle on this day. I thanked Him for the wonderful years I was blessed to have Buck in my life and for the luxury of having such a beautiful, wonderful day full of gifts.
Now I'm looking forward to spring, but trying to appreciate the season I am in. I also appreciate that you took your time to stop by and check on me. Thank you for caring. I hope you had a pleasant Valentine's Day too.
I am happy for those who have a sweetheart in their lives. Buck always went out of his way to make the day special for us and it was a joy-filled time to celebrate our love. But now, Valentine's season, like most holidays, is just another in your face reminder of what's missing. There are times throughout the year that I'm more sensitive. As Valentine's Day approaches, Buck's absence is more glaring than ever. It just makes me miss him more than I already do on any other given day. It's just a fact.
I was pleasantly surprised by how pleasurable my day was yesterday, considering the roller-coaster of emotions that came with this past week. Nearly four years of procrastination hasn't made the task I faced any easier. Closure is painful no matter what! But it also brings a measure of blessings with it. I'm still trying to process that part.
Last week, one of the gals in my Bible study made an announcement that she and her husband would be collecting clothing, furniture and household products for the many people who were displaced due to a fire caused by arson at The Roadway Inn in York City last week. The Inn was home for many of them, not just overnight accommodations. My friend mentioned that one gentleman only had the clothes on his back. He would be wearing his one pair of jeans to work everyday. She said he only requested a couple pairs of jeans and a sweater, when asked what he needed. When she mentioned his waist and inseam measurement, I knew I had to take action. His jeans size was the same as Buck's. It was gratifying to know that Buck's wardrobe would be filling such an urgent need, but the necessity didn't damper the effect on my heart. I was a mess all week as I laundered, folded and packaged Buck's clothes in preparation for sharing them.
The hardest part was finding a long sleeved shirt I had gotten for him; it was on a hanger and the sleeves were still rolled up just a bit the way he often wore them. That discovery hit me really hard, but not like the impact of finding his Carhart vest and winter jacket with a note in the pocket in his handwriting. I hugged them like a teddy bear (like he was) and wept bitterly from the basement to the laundry room. The vest and jacket were the most difficult to let go. I could see him in my mind: hands in pockets, boyish grim and sparkling eyes. I am thankful for the days when those memories make me smile, but that was not the case this week. There are still more clothes to deal with, but those will have to wait. I could only take so much.
I filled the back seat of my car and gave away most of Buck's wardrobe on Wednesday. I broke down again at my Bible study and my friends in my group surrounded me with love, compassion and prayer. I came away feeling drained but better. Now that I have started dealing with this painful task, I will finish up next week, as I have finally decided what to do with the rest. I like to think the remainder will be easier. But I have been wrong before about thinking the worst is over. I am optimistic this time.
So my Valentine's Day turned out to be a good day, after a hard week. I did spend some time hugging my teddy bear in the morning. It just felt good to squeeze that stout bear named Critter. I spent time soaking in the brightness of my "Happy Light" while I enjoyed my devotional time. I made myself a nice breakfast like I would have prepared for Buck, and gave myself a pedicure and practiced using some new makeup. I enjoyed the snowy view from my dining room and I took a long walk in the cold sunshine. I made a special dinner (and ate it by candlelight) and a cheesecake pie for dessert.
I sensed the Lord's presence throughout the day. It was as if He was giving me permission to do whatever would make me smile. So I enjoyed a self pampering day without guilt. As I asked God to bless my meal, I thought about and prayed for some precious people in my life, who were facing their first Valentine's Day without their loved ones and the rest who struggle on this day. I thanked Him for the wonderful years I was blessed to have Buck in my life and for the luxury of having such a beautiful, wonderful day full of gifts.
Now I'm looking forward to spring, but trying to appreciate the season I am in. I also appreciate that you took your time to stop by and check on me. Thank you for caring. I hope you had a pleasant Valentine's Day too.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Christmas Miracle
My "Christmas Miracle" entry is a re-post from my first Christmas season without my sweetheart. I published it on my other blog: Christian Widow's Walk, which is my story of widowhood from the beginning. "Christmas Miracle" is one of my favorite stories that shares some of my history, as well as details about one of the best and most precious gifts I have ever received in my entire life! I would love to share my story with you! So, please visit me at www.christianwidowswalk.blogspot.com if you are interested and curious about my "Christmas Miracle". See you there, my friends. Thanks for stopping by my other location!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Making Choices To Remember The Good Stuff
It’s a given that the holidays will be filled with emotional ups and downs. I’ve learned to anticipate and expect the ebb and flow as part of the ongoing journey. I spent my last overnight of my five day stay in my daughter and son-in-law’s home on New Year’s Eve. I was thankful to just stay put and we had a pleasant evening together, playing Headbanz with my grandchildren. This went on for another hour or so after we did the countdown as the ball dropped in Time Square ringing in the New Year.
I was the last one to head for bed, and in the quiet of the night my mind returned to the wee hours of January 1st, 2009, the night that changed life as we knew it. As I stared at the ceiling, all the details came flooding back and it was a temptation to be consumed with sadness. But this year was different, because instead of focusing on the memory of the emergency, the Lord helped me to choose to remember the best parts of those life-changing hours.
I thought about Buck’s question to the Emergency Room doctor. I can still see the excitement on his face as he inquired if there was any chance that he was going to meet Jesus tonight! No fear, just excited anticipation! Of course, I didn’t share his enthusiasm, but I will never, ever forget the Peace I saw in my husband’s eyes as he listened for the doctor’s answer about the seriousness of his condition.
That powerful memory led me to recall the overwhelming Peace I experienced as I rode in the front of the ambulance on that fateful night. That was a gift from God, just for me. It was as if the Lord, Himself, was whispering to my heart: “ It’s okay, I’m here with you, and everything is going to be alright. I will bring good things from this”. Even though the ‘alright’ part delivered a very different outcome than we all anticipated, I can honestly say, the Lord was Faithful in carrying us through those four months of Buck’s traumatic illness and He did indeed, keep His promise in bringing so much good out of such an ugly situation. I can still remember what the Lord’s Presence felt like that night, and the warmth of that precious gift helped me to drift off to sleep easily, instead of facing the pain of my loss again.
Thank you, Lord, for helping me to welcome the New Year by recalling your Faithfulness. That Peace that transcends all understanding was mine once again, because of Who You are and the promises You make and keep to those who love you.
7 Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.
6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In light of writing this entry late last night, I was so awed how the Lord met with me this morning during my devotional reading. The scripture I was led to helped me to remember where Buck’s confidence came from in the early hours of that New Years Day.
2 Corinthians 5:6-8 in The Living Bible version reads: Now we look forward with confidence to our heavenly bodies, realizing that every moment we spend in these earthly bodies is time spent away from our eternal home in heaven with Jesus. We know these things are true by believing, not by seeing. And we are not afraid, but are quite content to die, for then we will be at home with the Lord.
Buck and I often talked about our “heaven-bound futures” throughout our years together. Buck always had a twinkle in his eyes whenever the subject came up. I got to see that ‘twinkle’ in it’s full radiance that night and I will always treasure that memory and the Peace and Comfort that it invokes in my heart. I anticipate good things this year. I hope you do too.
I was the last one to head for bed, and in the quiet of the night my mind returned to the wee hours of January 1st, 2009, the night that changed life as we knew it. As I stared at the ceiling, all the details came flooding back and it was a temptation to be consumed with sadness. But this year was different, because instead of focusing on the memory of the emergency, the Lord helped me to choose to remember the best parts of those life-changing hours.
I thought about Buck’s question to the Emergency Room doctor. I can still see the excitement on his face as he inquired if there was any chance that he was going to meet Jesus tonight! No fear, just excited anticipation! Of course, I didn’t share his enthusiasm, but I will never, ever forget the Peace I saw in my husband’s eyes as he listened for the doctor’s answer about the seriousness of his condition.
That powerful memory led me to recall the overwhelming Peace I experienced as I rode in the front of the ambulance on that fateful night. That was a gift from God, just for me. It was as if the Lord, Himself, was whispering to my heart: “ It’s okay, I’m here with you, and everything is going to be alright. I will bring good things from this”. Even though the ‘alright’ part delivered a very different outcome than we all anticipated, I can honestly say, the Lord was Faithful in carrying us through those four months of Buck’s traumatic illness and He did indeed, keep His promise in bringing so much good out of such an ugly situation. I can still remember what the Lord’s Presence felt like that night, and the warmth of that precious gift helped me to drift off to sleep easily, instead of facing the pain of my loss again.
Thank you, Lord, for helping me to welcome the New Year by recalling your Faithfulness. That Peace that transcends all understanding was mine once again, because of Who You are and the promises You make and keep to those who love you.
Philippians 4:7
Contemporary English Version (CEV)7 Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.
Philippians 4:7
The Message (MSG)6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In light of writing this entry late last night, I was so awed how the Lord met with me this morning during my devotional reading. The scripture I was led to helped me to remember where Buck’s confidence came from in the early hours of that New Years Day.
2 Corinthians 5:6-8 in The Living Bible version reads: Now we look forward with confidence to our heavenly bodies, realizing that every moment we spend in these earthly bodies is time spent away from our eternal home in heaven with Jesus. We know these things are true by believing, not by seeing. And we are not afraid, but are quite content to die, for then we will be at home with the Lord.
Buck and I often talked about our “heaven-bound futures” throughout our years together. Buck always had a twinkle in his eyes whenever the subject came up. I got to see that ‘twinkle’ in it’s full radiance that night and I will always treasure that memory and the Peace and Comfort that it invokes in my heart. I anticipate good things this year. I hope you do too.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Trading Blue For Bright and a Happy Light
I wonder how many widows experience situations similar to what happened to me recently? I thought I was doing just fine as I made my way to my dentist appointment: an hour commute from my home. I knew I was feeling weary, but as my dental hygienist greeted me and asked how I was today, I could only squeak out, "I'm okay I guess". As our eyes met, I couldn't hide the realization that I was having a blue day and the tears started to stream down my face. This blue day and my emotional response were totally unexpected as I found myself in this awkward, familiar place again. I felt embarrassed and helpless to be breaking down in public after all this time. I questioned myself: Really... here, in the dentist chair? I apologized to the kind young woman who was serving me. She was warm and compassionate and invited me to talk about what was going on inside of me. I had no explanation and couldn't point to any grief triggers.As she worked, I could still feel the emotions bubbling up and escaping from the corners of my eyes. I still hate the powerless feelings that come over me on occasion like this.
To be honest, I have observed that I have been more emotional again with the arrival of autumn. Even with my best intentions to fully embrace the fall season this year, I know that the well being I enjoyed this summer is quickly slipping away. I watch helplessly as my will, motivation and energy escape like the extended hours of daylight that disappear with the return of Standard time. Like trying to hold onto a handful of water, I sense the brighter days slipping away into the all too familiar, shadowy place that I thought was a thing of the past.
I recently decided that it was time to find some new local doctors, instead of having to travel to Maryland whenever I had the need for medical attention. After living in this area for nearly five years, it was time to transition to a more convenient way of dealing with my health needs. While attending my new patient visit with my new family practitioner, I asked his opinion about the possibility that perhaps I might be experiencing the symptoms that come with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): a condition that comes from the lack of sunlight in the fall and winter months. He agreed that SAD was a very real condition that many are sensitive to, and he recommended either the use of anti-depressants or exposure to a very strong light that is supposed to simulate the sunshine that we lack in the cold months. He recommended a particular brand to try, so I opted to invest in what I call my happy light and sit in front of it for 30-60 minutes a day. I had heard about these lights over the past years, but was not willing to make the pricey investment. My doctor's referral made me feel more confident that I could indeed benefit from its use, so I decided to give it a shot. I hope to be able to report that it is making a big difference in my state of mind and I have high hopes that my motivation, energy and happier, more joyful days will soon return. January and February will provide prime testing conditions. I'll be sure to share my opinions on my personal experience and my insight as the winter progresses.
Although I really enjoyed the time I spent with my daughter and family, I'm glad the holidays are behind us and happy to be home again. I'm hopeful the bronchitis will disappear soon and I pray that 2013 will be a good year for all of us. Happy New Year to all of you. May we all experience a bright year ahead!
To be honest, I have observed that I have been more emotional again with the arrival of autumn. Even with my best intentions to fully embrace the fall season this year, I know that the well being I enjoyed this summer is quickly slipping away. I watch helplessly as my will, motivation and energy escape like the extended hours of daylight that disappear with the return of Standard time. Like trying to hold onto a handful of water, I sense the brighter days slipping away into the all too familiar, shadowy place that I thought was a thing of the past.
I recently decided that it was time to find some new local doctors, instead of having to travel to Maryland whenever I had the need for medical attention. After living in this area for nearly five years, it was time to transition to a more convenient way of dealing with my health needs. While attending my new patient visit with my new family practitioner, I asked his opinion about the possibility that perhaps I might be experiencing the symptoms that come with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): a condition that comes from the lack of sunlight in the fall and winter months. He agreed that SAD was a very real condition that many are sensitive to, and he recommended either the use of anti-depressants or exposure to a very strong light that is supposed to simulate the sunshine that we lack in the cold months. He recommended a particular brand to try, so I opted to invest in what I call my happy light and sit in front of it for 30-60 minutes a day. I had heard about these lights over the past years, but was not willing to make the pricey investment. My doctor's referral made me feel more confident that I could indeed benefit from its use, so I decided to give it a shot. I hope to be able to report that it is making a big difference in my state of mind and I have high hopes that my motivation, energy and happier, more joyful days will soon return. January and February will provide prime testing conditions. I'll be sure to share my opinions on my personal experience and my insight as the winter progresses.
Although I really enjoyed the time I spent with my daughter and family, I'm glad the holidays are behind us and happy to be home again. I'm hopeful the bronchitis will disappear soon and I pray that 2013 will be a good year for all of us. Happy New Year to all of you. May we all experience a bright year ahead!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
A Different Kind Of Christmas
This was a very different kind of Christmas this year; one I hope to never revisit. Mine was filled with sadness and illness for the whole week leading up to and including Christmas Day. Acute Bronchitis separated me from my loved ones, as I decided to spend Christmas alone for the first time in my life. Not sure if I was contagious and having zero energy, I felt it was in every ones best interest if I stayed home and rested. Last night's snow made it feel a little more Christmas-like today in my undecorated home. This was my third season not to put up a tree, because it is just too painful to go through the motions like I did that first Christmas without Buck.
I was very disappointed not to attend Christmas Eve service with my daughter and family at her church, as this is our new tradition since Buck went home to heaven. I always spend the night on Christmas Eve and wake with my grandchildren and get to witness all the excitement of Christmas morning with the little ones. I was saddened to miss all of those activities this year. I did my best to push away the self-pity and loneliness, but I have to confess their were moments that were really hard. I comforted myself with the hope that I would be better soon. I knew I needed to count my blessings to get through this unwelcome, temporary detour. I will be looking forward to joining my family as soon as I am able. We will have to make some new memories in the week ahead.
I hope all of you were able to be surrounded by your loved ones and friends as you celebrated Christmas this year. This is a privilege I won't take for granted in the future. Christmas blessings to all of you and thank you for your continued support by stopping by today. God bless you, my friends!
I was very disappointed not to attend Christmas Eve service with my daughter and family at her church, as this is our new tradition since Buck went home to heaven. I always spend the night on Christmas Eve and wake with my grandchildren and get to witness all the excitement of Christmas morning with the little ones. I was saddened to miss all of those activities this year. I did my best to push away the self-pity and loneliness, but I have to confess their were moments that were really hard. I comforted myself with the hope that I would be better soon. I knew I needed to count my blessings to get through this unwelcome, temporary detour. I will be looking forward to joining my family as soon as I am able. We will have to make some new memories in the week ahead.
I hope all of you were able to be surrounded by your loved ones and friends as you celebrated Christmas this year. This is a privilege I won't take for granted in the future. Christmas blessings to all of you and thank you for your continued support by stopping by today. God bless you, my friends!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Scroogette
This is a repost from my first Christmas spent as a widow. This year (December, 2012) will be my fourth Christmas without the love of my life to share it with. I think it would be safe to say that I'm still a Scroogette. However, I enjoy Christmas more than I used to, because I don't get involved in the holiday machine. New traditions have been set in place and my Christmas season is much simpler, more relaxed and enjoyable now. For that I am so thankful! Perhaps more about that in the near future.
Posted Dec 20, 2009 (9 Months into widowhood)
I have never done a survey, but I would be willing to guess that most people are Christmas lovers. I have a confession to make. I’m not one of them… I am not a Christmas person. My reasons are many. Buck and I both shared an attitude towards retailers who started their Christmas sales focus prior to the end of October. It seemed that Back To School sales had barely wrapped up before the artificial trees and decorations came out. Then there was the issue of our favorite radio stations beginning to play Christmas music on Thanksgiving Day or earlier. Frankly, we would not listen to the radio as much as usual, until the week before Christmas. Then we would welcome and enjoy the special seasonal music. I’m sorry to sound like such a Scrooge, but this is honestly how we felt.
My main frustration was the addition of all the responsibilities that came with the holiday season. These, plus an already full schedule, made for a stressful month of preparation. Being the classic procrastinators that we were, surely didn’t lighten our load. Some of us never figure out that it’s possible and very wise to think about, and shop for, gifts throughout the year. Christmas encompasses many things that I hate; things like shopping and crowds, long lines and snarled traffic, deadlines and decisions, because I am not creative with my gift giving inspiration. I have a difficult time making decisions about what I like, let alone trying to decide what my loved ones might enjoy. Then, of course, there would be the new five to ten pounds that I ‘found’ every January, after working throughout the year to lose them...again, (but that’s a personal problem).
It has been our tradition to have our family gathering on Christmas Eve each year. All our children and grandchildren would come together to enjoy Buck’s specialty: his wonderful fried deer steak dinner that he lovingly prepared for all of us. I have never mastered making it as well as he did. I was his assistant, but he was the main chef for this annual feast. In addition to the venison, his menu consisted of mashed taters and gravy, corn, green beans with bacon, cranberry sauce and biscuits or cornbread. I would be responsible for making desserts, usually German Chocolate Cake, Peanut Butter Pie and ice cream. It was the highlight meal of the year that all of us looked forward to.
I rarely got to see what presents everyone got, because I was the gifts distributor for Buck and I, and I could never convince my sweetheart that opening our gifts one at a time was a reasonable way to do things (my opinion). Occasionally, I would catch someone’s reaction as they opened one of the gifts from Buck and I, but for the most part I missed all of that, and that has always been disappointing for me.
All the activities and preparation left no room for the very reason we celebrated. There never seemed to be any real focus on what Christmas was all about: the celebration of the birth of our Savior. It seemed like the only attention given to the ‘reason for the season’, was the cake I made the past few years with ‘Happy Birthday Jesus’ spelled out on the top of the cake with chocolate chips. When our Christmas Eve celebration was over and the all the gifts were packed up to travel to their new homes, we would send our loved ones off with smiles and hugs, and I would spend my remaining energy cleaning up the kitchen.
After our family would leave, I would experience the same emotions each year. I would ask myself; ‘what just happened here?’ I thank God for cameras or I probably wouldn’t have any Christmas memories. After everyone went home, Buck and I would feel spent from all the preparation and relieved that it was over for another year. Please don’t misunderstand; we loved getting together with our family. But the time invested in all the preliminary activities would leave us too exhausted to go to the last Christmas Eve service at our church. We both would feel disappointed when we didn’t have energy enough to be there to celebrate the birth of our Lord.
This year will be very different, as I just don’t have it in me to carry on our family tradition. I hope our children and grandchildren still love me after my ‘true confession’ and know that I won’t be offended if anyone addresses me as Scroogette in the future!
I am not certain if I will post another entry in my journal before Friday, so I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! I hope it will be a special time with your family and friends. Thank you for continuing to care about my journey.
Love,
Renee'
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