Sunday, January 16, 2011

My Hopes And Dreams

Deep, restful sleep was not an option that was available to me last night. I very foolishly consumed too much caffeine while visiting with a friend in my home and paid the price with a fitful night's sleep. How unwise of me! Anyone who struggles with sleeplessness or intermittent wakefulness knows how annoying it can be.

I finally fell asleep at dawn and woke suddenly, sobbing my heart out! I have dreamed about Buck on several occasions, but he was in the distance and unaware of my presence. This dream was especially powerful and devastating because it involved three of my senses. My Bofren was at the bottom of a stairway as I looked down at him. He was busy doing something when I called out, "Honey, please come here" to get his attention. Unlike previous dreams, he stopped what he was doing and came toward me. I sobbed as he climbed the stairs and opened his strong arms to embrace me. As we held each other, I couldn't speak and he spoke softly with words of comfort as I wept in his arms! I can't recall any of his words, only his tone of love and kindness. To see him face to face, to hear his voice and to be wrapped up in one of his famous, warm hugs again was pure bliss, if only for that moment in my heart of dreams!

Waking to reality was almost too much to bear and the ugly cry returns again as I share my story! Just when I think the roller coaster of emotions is settling down; new waves of grief show up again! I suppose it's not time yet, for the word predictable to be part of my vocabulary. Recently, I told my daughter, Sarah, that I thought the worst was over. That was the third time I remember making that statement, each time with a heart full of optimism. Clearly, that is not safe to say (yet)! Perhaps, I should know by now that these waves will come on occasion and it doesn't mean I have lost any ground. Rather, just a spot where I needed to pass through another valley on the way to the mountaintop. The Lord will help me to regroup, refocus and move forward again! I know that we can all survive our own personal ups and downs if we are trusting the Lord to walk with us and show us the way.

So what about my hopes? The new year has kindled a desire to keep moving as I remember my sweetheart; to enjoy the present and utilize the creative gifts God has given me. I think I can best honor my husband, by focusing on becoming the woman God created me to be. I still have many loose ends to take care of, but the Lord has provided His people: the Body of Christ, to help me when I don't know how or where to begin! I praise God and thank Him for the way He is taking such good care of me through my family and His people!

Steven Curtis Chapman has always been one of my favorite Christian musicians. I especially relate to his music since he lost his young daughter in a tragic accident. I hope you will enjoy the video I have attached. It is a wonderful live for today song: "There's a wonder in the here and now. It's right there in front of you. And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment."

I'm feeling better now and more encouraged, having just passed through another dark place. The Lord provided a beautiful sunset to comfort me and soothe my spirit. I believe in my heart that this is going to be a better year as the Lord and I continue on our tandem journey!

Psalm 5:11
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.


  1. Beautifully done Renee. But oh, your dream it is so touching and heartbreakingly momentous. I don't think one can ever say "The worst is over..." You know I had my friend and counselor say to me, that those times of unexpected grief are like walking on the shore, the gentle waves lapping at your feet, but then you turn your back for a moment and a 'sneaker wave' comes and tumbles you under, churning you until you don't know up from down...(more water analogy, sorry!)That is grief and sorrow. It sneaks up on you unexpectedly. But all we can know and be thankful for is that God gives us those blessed breaks in between. I am not remotely comparing the grief of losing my mother-in-law to the loss of your sweet hubby, but grief is what it is,in all forms. I send you love and prayers for the sweetest of dreams....T

  2. Thank you dear friend! Please don't apologize for your wonderful water analogy. I am a lover of word pictures and what better example. I didn't know about your mother-in-law. I am sorry for the lose that you and your sweetheart share! Was it recent? Were you close emotionally? You are right; grief is what is is, always painful, never pretty, just the price we pay for having loved and having been loved deeply! So thankful for all the precious memories! Looking forward to the sweet dreams. Thank you for your loving words, kindness and prayers!

  3. You are welcome Renee. Yes we lost my husband's beautiful mother a year ago on (leap year) feb. 29th. The anniversary is soon. She died at our home in the back yard doing what she loved most, gardening on a bright sunny day. She literally stepped out of this world into the next. She was my second mom and the sweetest purest soul you could ever know. We miss her so much. I don't care how old you are when a parent dies you feel like an orphan. I think that is how my hubby moves through his world now....

  4. I am so sorry that your hearts are required to deal with such a sudden, shocking separation, but, what a tremendous blessing for your precious second mom to enter into her new reality in such a way! If I could choose, that sounds like a blessed way to enter the kingdom to me. I hope that doesn't sound offensive to you. I don't desire to be insensitive to your loss my friend. Thankfully, we have a heavenly parent, who will never leave or forsake us. To my long distance friend, I say, "Consider yourself hugged"! BTW, my sleep was sweet and uninterrupted last night. I'm sure your prayers helped get me there! Thank you!

  5. Dear Renee',
    My heart goes out to you once again as you continue with the ups and downs of living without your loving husband. The song is so beautiful, and such a good message. We all have our regrets and life events we wish had never happened, but there is no use spending the present on things we cannot change. Thank you - keep writing.
    Love, Pat

  6. Such words of wisdom you have spoken, my friend! Glad you liked the song! Thanks for stopping by.