A Tiny Taste Of The Pioneer Spirit

Early in February, my neighbors and I were without power for about 24 hours. Not having any back up heating alternatives, the temperature in my home dropped to 53 degrees before the power came back on in the wee hours of the next morning. It was a bit inconvenient, but all in all, it wasn't that bad. I thought of it as a little indoor winter adventure. At the end of my long chilly day, I penned a message in my journal to my late husband, Buck, the love of my life. You are invited to listen in.
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Hi Bofren! I’ve really been missing you a lot lately and although we can’t talk directly, I thought it might make me feel better to pretend. I think  this is fitting and consistent with my new year commitment to not focus on the past, because today, I feel the need to share my present in some symbolic way. 

It’s been an interesting day of reflection. I woke at 6AM and noticed that there was no dim glow from the alarm clock. Of course, that meant the power was out so I just pulled the covers up and went back to sleep.

It is well into nightfall now and the power has yet to be restored. We had an ice storm last night and that often spells trouble for our utility workers. I dressed in lots of layers, long-johns and wool socks, so I was comfy enough throughout the day.

I’m very thankful that it is an option to manually light the stove-top burners on the propane kitchen stove. Otherwise, I would have had to dig out the Coleman camp stove. I drank lots of hot liquids thanks to the supply of water I keep on hand for the houseplants. I also made a large pot of soup, so I spent a lot of time, literally hugging the stove. That went a long way toward keeping me warm as I hovered over my soup. It became my makeshift radiant heater that helped keep me warm inside and out.

I know you would have handled things differently, if you were here, being the wonderful provider that you were. I'm sure the new generator would be out of the box and gassed up by now, and I can picture all the burners ablaze on the top of the stove (much to my dismay).

As I enjoy the candlelight and lamp light from the kerosene lantern, it makes me think of the Amish community nearby and the realization that this is part of their lifestyle everyday! They really are an amazingly resourceful group of people! It has been a bit bothersome not to have running water or to not be able to see well, but, a day like today makes me realize how very spoiled I really am. If my life included a houseful of people, I’m sure I would have a different opinion about my circumstances, but, my life makes it easier to make the best of it.

Yes, it is a bit troublesome but, short term, there is something special about the uniqueness of not having all the modern conveniences. I enjoy the candlelight and the quiet. I appreciate being forced into fewer options and a slower pace. I’ll read and I’m writing now, using my book light that I got for Christmas and I’ll go to bed early; something I never, ever do!

The power company promises the electric will be restored soon and then it will be back to life as usual. But, for now, I’m comfy and cozy, nestled in one of our zipped up sleeping bags and savoring these moments, missing and thinking about you and wondering what is going on in your reality.

Someone's Valentine!

Hearts | Forward this Picture

As winter moves ever so slowly in the direction of spring, I have experienced a new wave of grief, as the calendar flipped over into February...the month that is traditionally so symbolic of love and lovers.  For many single people, February is a tough month to get through, because it highlights our aloneness, or in my case, it makes Buck's absence extra glaring! Buck and I always liked to make Valentine's Day special for each other. This month is a painful reminder of the special relationship we once possessed and that it no longer exists. Never-the-less, the love and memories will always remain and they continue to be my treasure!

As I endeavor to move along on my journey of widowhood, I have been trying to fulfill my New Year commitment to focus on the present. As the memories come to visit, I savor them for a time and let the tears fall, if they are present, and then make it a point to think about something else. It has been beneficial and I am very thankful that the Lord inspired this new way of thinking. It is a healthy emotional step toward the healing of my heart.

With the dawning of the new month, the thought occurred to me that I am no one's valentine. But, that idea was quickly followed by the strong sensing of a quiet voice that spoke to my wounded heart saying, "That's not true! I have loved you since long before you were born; from the beginning of time! I love you so much, I died for you!" How thankful I am that I was able to hear that still, small voice; those inaudible words that my Creator used to comfort my heart! The Lover of My Soul is my valentine and always has been. He knows each one of us individually, and His Love is very personal! That thought blows me away and blesses me at the same time! Thank You for that wondrous gift that You offer to each of us, Lord! And thank You for making it possible to be alone and not feel lonely!

Two years ago, while Buck was in Open Heart ICU at York Hospital, my daughter, Sarah and I went shopping to look for a heart necklace for me. I was so excited to find the perfect one to symbolize the relationship that my sweetheart and I shared. I felt like the Lord had designed it just for me! It was composed of two hearts: a small heart tucked inside a little larger one and a small cross in the center. It was the perfect representation of the love we shared and the foundation that our relationship was built upon. And much to my delight, it was made of silver, my favorite precious metal! When I first started to wear my beautiful necklace, I took it off each night, because it had a very delicate chain that I feared might break if I wore it to bed. After two days of taking it off and putting it back on in the morning, I decided to wear it full time, as it was very difficult to get it on and off. The necklace has almost become a part of me, gracing my neck for nearly two years.

One day when I was taking a shower, some foreign thoughts drifted through my mind. I was thinking about my wedding band and wondered if or when I might ever take it off. At that very moment, the fragile chain that held my double heart, came off into my hand, and I thought it was surely broken. Even though I have another identical necklace that Sarah purchased for me in the event that something might happen to the original; I fell apart at the sight of the crumpled chain and heart in my hand. I wept until my stomach hurt and gradually as I finished showering, I was able to pull myself together. After I finished getting dressed, I put on my glasses and I was shocked to learn that my necklace was not broken after all, but had just come undone. I decided that this was God's way of telling me, "It's time to start letting go." I immediately put my necklace around my neck again. "Sorry Lord, but I'm not ready."

A few days ago, I noticed that my necklace isn't as shiny as it used to be, so I dipped it in my silver jewelry cleaner. On close examination, I could see that my heart is silver plated, not solid as I thought. The silver coating is starting to wear off after all these days of wearing it 24-7. It really has served me well, considering it's humble composition. I have decided that today, I am retiring my faithful friend, and on this Valentine's Day, I am wearing it's twin to represent my relationship and my passion for the Lover of My Soul! It will be a symbol of our love for each other and for the healing that is taking place day by day. May His message of love flow into your hearts as well, as you too realize that you also, are very much loved and you are Someone's Valentine! Happy Valentine's Day!

A Valentine may love you for a lifetime, but God loved you before you were born and will love you for all eternity.

Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love...with loving kindness I have drawn you. Jeremiah 31:3

 

Valentine Haiku

Lover of My Soul

Making me into the one

He wants me to be

Someone's valentine

Has loved us since before time

Gave His Life for us!

My heart within His

Encased in His Love for me

He is my passion

My Hopes And Dreams

Deep, restful sleep was not an option that was available to me last night. I very foolishly consumed too much caffeine while visiting with a friend in my home and paid the price with a fitful night's sleep. How unwise of me! Anyone who struggles with sleeplessness or intermittent wakefulness knows how annoying it can be.

I finally fell asleep at dawn and woke suddenly, sobbing my heart out! I have dreamed about Buck on several occasions, but he was in the distance and unaware of my presence. This dream was especially powerful and devastating because it involved three of my senses. My Bofren was at the bottom of a stairway as I looked down at him. He was busy doing something when I called out, "Honey, please come here" to get his attention. Unlike previous dreams, he stopped what he was doing and came toward me. I sobbed as he climbed the stairs and opened his strong arms to embrace me. As we held each other, I couldn't speak and he spoke softly with words of comfort as I wept in his arms! I can't recall any of his words, only his tone of love and kindness. To see him face to face, to hear his voice and to be wrapped up in one of his famous, warm hugs again was pure bliss, if only for that moment in my heart of dreams!

Waking to reality was almost too much to bear and the ugly cry returns again as I share my story! Just when I think the roller coaster of emotions is settling down; new waves of grief show up again! I suppose it's not time yet, for the word predictable to be part of my vocabulary. Recently, I told my daughter, Sarah, that I thought the worst was over. That was the third time I remember making that statement, each time with a heart full of optimism. Clearly, that is not safe to say (yet)! Perhaps, I should know by now that these waves will come on occasion and it doesn't mean I have lost any ground. Rather, just a spot where I needed to pass through another valley on the way to the mountaintop. The Lord will help me to regroup, refocus and move forward again! I know that we can all survive our own personal ups and downs if we are trusting the Lord to walk with us and show us the way.

So what about my hopes? The new year has kindled a desire to keep moving as I remember my sweetheart; to enjoy the present and utilize the creative gifts God has given me. I think I can best honor my husband, by focusing on becoming the woman God created me to be. I still have many loose ends to take care of, but the Lord has provided His people: the Body of Christ, to help me when I don't know how or where to begin! I praise God and thank Him for the way He is taking such good care of me through my family and His people!

Steven Curtis Chapman has always been one of my favorite Christian musicians. I especially relate to his music since he lost his young daughter in a tragic accident. I hope you will enjoy the video I have attached. It is a wonderful live for today song: "There's a wonder in the here and now. It's right there in front of you. And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment."



I'm feeling better now and more encouraged, having just passed through another dark place. The Lord provided a beautiful sunset to comfort me and soothe my spirit. I believe in my heart that this is going to be a better year as the Lord and I continue on our tandem journey!

Psalm 5:11
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

New Year FOCUS

After a quiet New Year's Eve, spent in solitude, I couldn't sleep when I turned out my light in the early hours of the brand new year. My heart and mind couldn't help but relive the event that changed our lives forever at the same time two years ago. I soaked my pillow again as I reminisced about Buck's public proclamation of love for me during a party being held in the home of some dear friends. It was easy to recall how cold it felt as Buck stopped the car and got out to observe the wounded deer and his frustration because he had no means to put it out of it's misery.  Every detail of this unexpected medical emergency came flooding back and my heart pounded as I found myself in the emergency room in York Hospital with the love of my life, once more! I could hear the excited expectation in Buck's voice as he asked the ER doctor: "Is there any chance that I'll get to meet Jesus tonight?"

It was a sleepless and emotional night as my heart and mind replayed the beginning of this segment of our journey. Of course, it was no surprise to begin the new year this way. I wept again when I woke and read my daily devotional: God Calling. The words of encouragement jumped off of the page and communicated to my weary heart, the words of godly wisdom and love I needed to hear.
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January 1 ~ Between The Years

I stand between the years. The Light of My Presence is flung across the year to come - the radiance of the Sun of Righteousness.  Backward, over the past year, is My Shadow thrown, hiding trouble and sorrow and disappointment.

Dwell not on the past, only the present. Store only the blessings from Me, the Light of the World. Encourage yourselves by the thought of these.

Bury every fear of the future, of poverty for those dear to you, of suffering, of loss. Bury... your disappointment in others and in yourself, your gloom, your despondency, and let us leave them all, buried, and go forward to a new and risen life.

Remember that you must not see as the world sees. I hold the year in My Hands - in trust for you. But I shall guide you one day at a time.

Leave the rest with Me. You must not anticipate the gift by fears or thoughts of the days ahead.

And for each day I shall supply the wisdom and the strength.
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These wonderful truths hold true for all of us who have faith in Jesus as our Savior and Lord. I thanked God for the powerful words that filled me with new hope, courage and comfort.

As I traveled to attend a party on New Year's Day, I started thinking about the joy I get from taking pictures with my digital camera. In thinking about the words of encouragement to dwell "only on the present", the word focus came to mind.  It occurred to me that as I take pictures, I can only focus on the present...that moment I hope to capture. I can't take a photo of the past or the future...only the present.

I pondered these thoughts as I drove and decided that focus was going to be a powerful word for me this year.  As these ideas bounced around in my heart, I heard a song on the radio, sung by a favorite Christian musician: Steven Curtis Chapman. It was the first time I ever heard, Beauty Will Rise and it touched me deeply!

                                                                    
What will I focus on? What will you focus on this year?

                                  New year to focus
                            On what lies ahead of me
                                 My tandem journey

Christmas Reflections

Crepes With The Fam On Christmas Morning
Kyrie, Sarah, Justin, Colin and Bob

I just returned a few days ago, after being away from home since Christmas Eve. It was a very pleasant but exhausting eleven days filled with family and friends. I stayed with my daughter, Sarah, and her family. I am very blessed to have the freedom to spend such quality time with my loved ones! My three grandchildren, ages: fourteen, five and two, provided lots of entertainment, distraction and loving attention. Sarah and my son-in-law, Bob, always make me feel more than welcome and very much loved when I am in their home.This was needful as I encountered my second holiday season without my sweetheart. It proved to be an emotional time on many occasions, usually hitting me most powerfully upon waking. One morning when I came to the table for breakfast, Sarah told me that I looked like a had a black eye because my eyelid was swollen. Thankfully, a few minutes with an ice cube restored normalcy.


Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am not a Christmas enthusiast. Although I enjoy my family time, I am not ashamed to confess that I am thankful when this hectic, stressful, exhausting season is behind us once again! However, it was better than years past, because I intentionally purposed to do things differently this year, making simplicity my goal . Breaking tradition and not putting up a tree this year turned out to be a wise decision and helped me to conserve my energy to do more enjoyable things like baking, which didn’t deplete me emotionally and provided some home-made gifts. I have to say that I even enjoyed the Christmas music this year, thanks to the wide variety that was played on my favorite radio station: WJTL.

Kryie Got Her Own Wheels For Christmas!

Although  I broke tradition this year, Sarah put lots of thought and effort into creating new ones. It was a blessing to attend a Christmas Eve service with Sarah and family in a very unique setting.  A new church that will be launched in March had their kick off service at Ripken Stadium, Aberdeen, Md. (indoors, of course) of all places! Epic Community Church had a great turn out for their very first gathering! It was a blessing to worship with my family! I am hopeful that it will become a new Christmas Eve tradition.

Colin Discovers His Bag Of "Coal"

Kyrie Loved Her Tinkerbell!

It was wonderful to wake up Christmas morning and share in all the excitement. It's always fun to watch the little ones open their presents and it was especially delightful to see five year old, Colin's face, when the first thing he pulled out of his stocking was a little bag of (candy) coal! He was very excited about his spy gear complete with night vision goggles with blue head lights and his bow tie! Sarah and Bob sent my 14 year old grandson, Justin, on a clue-filled scavenger hunt to locate his gift of a new woodworking workshop in their basement!  Tinkerbell and a tricycle were a big hit with two year old Kyrstin. These were just a small sample of the many gifts they received.

Colin Sporting His Cool Spy Gear!

We made lots of memories this Christmas season and many were captured in our photos. Sarah and I love to take lots of pictures and have so much fun with our digital cameras! Sarah and Bob gave me a digital picture frame loaded with a collection (theirs and mine) that represented a year’s worth of their best and favorite photos, starting with Christmas 2009 and included all the family events throughout the year. Watching the slide show that Sarah and Bob put together for all of us grandparents was one of the best gifts I have ever received! I so appreciate all the thought and time that was invested to provide such a precious gift! I will look forward to future slide shows with great anticipation! I know this wonderful gift will provide many smiles and will lift my spirits whenever the need arises!

Justin Checking Out His Awesome Workshop!

 Although it was often emotional and exhausting; looking back, I am able to say that this was a very Merry Christmas, thanks to all the activities, memory making and love that I experienced throughout my family and friend time. I hope yours was happy and memorable as well! Happy New Year  to all of you!

Breaking Tradition

The past few months have been extra emotional for me, much to my dismay! I hate the out of control feeling, that comes along with the vulnerability; but, it's part of the journey and I move along as best I can, with the Lord's help every day.

Thanksgiving Day was quiet and uneventful, just as I needed it to be. Sporting a nasty cold, I decided to stay home, so as not to take a chance on contaminating my family members. I considered having a candlelight dinner with the Lord, as I did last year, but I couldn't find the matches and didn't have the will or energy to go on a search. 

Getting into the Christmas spirit has been more of a struggle this year; to the point that I'm pretty certain I will not be putting up a tree. Frankly, I think the only reason I did so last year was purely not to break tradition. Maybe it's laziness or sadness, or a little of both, but it just doesn't feel worth the effort this time around. I have decided to give myself permission to break tradition this year, as I really don't foresee that it will make me feel any better to go through the motions.  I believe it might even be easier, not to have to deal with all the emotions that are wrapped up in each special, memory-evoking ornament that we chose for each other over the years.

I'm willing to bet that I can survive a treeless Christmas, even though it will be the very first of my lifetime! I'm sure I will do some decorating, but it will be very minimal. (Lord willing) there will be other opportunities in the years ahead to create a festive environment. I'm really just not feeling it this year. None-the-less, I'm thankful to be able to say, that I really don't think it is depression, like I experienced the first year, but rather a normal, prevailing sadness as I miss sharing my life with my best friend!


I am keeping myself busy with my writing and some other creative opportunities. I am very thankful for the healing they are providing and for the inspiration I am enjoying through the writers and artists groups at my new church. My participation in the ladies Bible study group has also been a tremendous blessing to me as my nine new girlfriends and I study the book of Esther. The Lord knew just what I needed as He placed me with these precious ladies, who desire to grow spiritually and support each other as we share our lives each week. We also love to laugh! What a blessing they are to me!

Not So Jolly Distraction

Distraction has played a very important role in helping me deal with my grief over the past year and a half. I'm all about a good diversion, to help take my mind off of the painful reality that my sweetheart no longer shares my life. They are usually pleasant and often include my grandchildren, who are my best distractors with their humorous antics! However, this week brought a new variety of distraction.

Website for this image

Nothing like a surprise stomach virus to make a person forget about their broken heart! The sneaky, surprise-attacker arrived quietly, and suddenly pounced on me, like an ugly, uninvited stinkbug in the 0-dark:00 hours of the morning. My stuffed bear that had provided so much comfort in my early grief-stricken days was once again my companion as we rocked back and forth during the cramping, and my hot-water bottle was my new best friend! I was also so thankful for my comfy sweat pants that permitted me to carry around the warm, red, rubber bladder like a Hollywood baby bump! My natural childbirth, breathing techniques came in handy, as they automatically kicked in, to help me get through the waves of cramps that came every three to five minutes. The classic symptoms seemed like they would never end and it truly felt like the longest day and night of my life! Good times!

Whew!!! So thankful that that episode is behind me, as I have to confess, I was concerned that maybe it was something more serious than a 24 hour bug! I am surprised that it has taken all week to bounce back, but now I am looking forward to a brighter season. Looking back on last week and appreciating how blessed I am to have good health; I guess you could say, I had an attitude adjustment! Hopefully, my Christmas will include time to spend with my family and friends in the weeks ahead. Unlike my earlier sarcasm, I know there are "Good Times" to be had with the people I love, as we go through the holidays. Although it will be celebrated differently for me this year, I see it as a time to share and enjoy, not just something to endure! Thankfully, my life is full of pleasant distractions, no matter the time of year, and we will be blessed as we make more memories to cherish in the future!